#IAmAChristian

"I know your heart been broke again.
I know your prayers ain't been answered yet.
I know you're feeling like you got nothing left.
Well lift your head. It ain't over yet.
Hold on, hold on...Lord ain't finished yet.
Hold on, hold on...He'll get you through this.
Hold on, hold on...these are the promises. 
I never will forget.
I never will forget."
~ from "Move (Keep walkin')", by Toby Mac*

I am not the preachy type, and it always annoyed me when Christians would testify to anyone who would listen**. At the time I just didn't get it. Now that I feel it in my heart and feel it in my soul (haha -- more Toby Mac lyrics), I want to shout it from the rooftops, but like I said, I am not about being preachy. People need to get there on their own, in their own time. I am still not super comfy talking about God, but I can write about Him. I have already begun work on a book called "Skipping Church: Confessions of a Reluctant Believer" but with all the talk of Christianity lately, I wanted to take a few minutes to share an abridged version of that story.

I did not take the traditional route to belief. I was not raised with God at the center of my life, although I did have to go to catechism and Sunday mass, and went through all the sacraments until I got to the sacrament of marriage (now wish we'd been married in a church, but at the time it did not hold the same meaning). Instead I took the scenic route to God, through Catholicism, Atheism, Agnosticism, Paganism, Gnostic Christianity, and others, but I still got here. Many people grew up practicing a religion that did nothing to feed their souls. In my case it was Catholicism. Now before you get all defensive, if being raised Catholic worked for you, that is awesome, but for me, it was ritualistic chanting that I had to drag my butt out of bed for on Sunday mornings. I knew all the words by heart, and I literally could have said the mass in my sleep, which would have been a win-win. It was not a social gathering like you see in many churches, and I did not leave feeling any different or more spiritually filled up than I did when I walked in.

I don't knock other faiths at all--if your religion gets you closer to God and you have unshakable faith, that it all that matters. It's like baseball. I don't care if you are a Red Sox fan as long as you love baseball. Just because I worship the Yankees, does not make your devotion for a different team any less valid. [Disclaimer: If you are a Red Sox fan whether they are winning or losing, I can respect you love for the team, but if you start talking about the Patriots in July because your team sucks, I will most likely call you a fair weather fan, and whatever you say about my Yankees is irrelevant because you are not a true baseball fan. Likewise, if you choose to worship a God that is okay with rape, murder and extreme gender inequality, I may not like you or your religion, but I still respect your right to freely worship. And if that God you worship tells you to put a gun to my head and make me renounce Christianity, pull the trigger, because it's not gonna happen. I'll give your regards to the 77 virgins...]

Trust me, I was no angel for most of my life...especially my twenties when I was trying to shake the good girl image I had fought my whole life to escape. (Cool typo--when I first typed that it said 'God girl image') At times I was afraid the church roof would cave in if I set foot inside. Once in college, I spent the weekend at my roommate Jude's house, and her mom made us go to church on Sunday. Jude's grandmother was visiting, and she was going to watch church on tv, and I remember suggesting I stay home and watch it with Grandma, to no avail. At church, a small miracle happened. It was stifling hot that day, and when it came time for the priest to say the homily, he stood up and said, "Do unto others." We all waited for him to continue when he said, "That's it. It's too hot for anything more." It seemed like God was trying to get me out of there before the roof collapsed. His angels' wings must have been getting tired from holding it up.

I have been seeking out something to believe in for over a decade, so this did not happen overnight. However, many miraculous things have happened over the past few years where I know that God was clearly taking over. It is probable that these type of things were happening before, but once I started paying attention, I saw these small miracles happening over and over. Because of this I know that even when I am gong through the worst times of my life, things will get better. I trust Him for the first time in my life. I know I was not put on this earth to struggle financially while working at a less than fulfilling job. Having seen how many times He has come through for me at the last possible second, I know he won't let me stay in my current situation. I never understood the whole 'let go and let God' or 'Jesus take the wheel' attitude, until I saw it work. I have seen God make a way when I couldn't see a way. I just have to have faith. And THAT is what faith is.

I have faith that my big break is coming. I have faith that we will not die in this crappy, run-down trailer. I know that we are only living here while we regroup, and now that we accept being here, we are thankful every day for this place. Out in the pond behind it there are swans, blue herons, cranes, ducks and peaceful solitude -- something that reassures and reminds me that God meant for us to be here. I have faith that this is the "water property" that my psychic Francesca mentioned in every reading I ever had with her. To appreciate success, you must have failure to have a frame of reference. This is my Behind the Music-type back story that I'll look back on when I am successfully living my purpose.

I was partially saved by Christian rock. I was missing Christmas music. Yes, you read that right. A retail manager just said she missed Christmas music. See, this particular Christmas I had started to pay more attention to the lyrics. Of course I knew every word to all of them since I was always in the chorus, but I had never really heard them until that year. Maybe it was because I was about to go through a very rough time. When the student is ready, the teacher appears, right? I was getting choked up listening to Christmas carols, the way I always get choked up when I hear Lee Greenwood's song "Proud to be an American". Now that it was January, I was missing that feeling. So I was searching for radio stations on my hour-long commute when I heard "Amazing Love" by The Newsboys. This was my first favorite Christian song.

I had just discovered KLove Radio. It was January 3rd, and they were talking about New year's resolutions and taking the KLove challenge, which is listening to nothing but Christian music for 30 days. It is supposed to improve your life because you are listening to positive messages. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy some good 80s Heavy Metal, and Kid Rock's "Devil Without a Cause" is still on my top ten list, but I know about the effects of music on emotions, so I decided to give it a try. I only could tune in the station for half of my commute (Hello KLove? You need a station southwest of Boston), so I bought a WOW Christian CD that had Amazing Love on it for the rest of the ride. I swear to God doing the KLove challenge got me through that first month and I haven't turned it off since. Well, I used to switch it back to the rock station when I got home, in case my husband used the car after me. But sometimes I'd forget. He told me once, "You're Puddy in the car!", referring to the Seinfeld episode where Elaine's boyfriend David Puddy has all his stations preset to Christian rock.

So, yeah...I'm pretty new to this talking-about-my-faith thing, but because I let myself fall so far into it spiritually, I understand now how someone could choose their belief in God over a life-sparing lie. Or how someone could feel so intensely about doing something that goes against their beliefs. Or how we can feel like we want other people to know what we know, so that they can live with less stress and worry. I finally get it, just in time for people around the globe to start being decapitated for being Christian--and this outrages me. Call me self-righteous, but that would be untrue. I have done my share of sinning (and probably a few others' shares too), but that was the old me. The me whose identity was determined by other people.  Who am I to judge the choices of anyone else? I no longer care if someone judges me unfairly. Now I only care about what my buddy Jesus thinks of me.

So when I finish my book, you can get the whole story, but for now, I just felt compelled to say #IAmAChristian.

*This song, in fact this whole album, is the current soundtrack of my life, so I felt the need to share the lyrics. If you have never heard of Toby Mac, you don't listen to Christian music! :)

**Not you Shanann Goodwin! :)

Elaine Reflects on The Alchemist, Part One

"That was what made travelling appeal to him--he always made new friends, and he didn't need to spend all of his time with them. When someone sees the same people every day...they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."
~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I am a friendly person who makes friends easily, but in the later years of my life, I have learned not to let anyone get so close that they develop expectations. I had a lot of long-term best friends in my life. The key word there was 'had'. The more I gave to each of these relationships, the more I was expected to be whatever they needed me to be, and they had come to expect more and more. I am sure it was not all one-sided, as I probably had my share of expectations, but having always been a people-pleaser, I gave and gave until one by one, they learned that I had had enough.

Shout out to my BFF Michelle, who is halfway across the USA, therefore making it nearly impossible to have unrealistic expectations of our friendship. Even if she and I lived closer, I still think our friendship would be the same for two reasons: 1) she is one of the most genuine people I have ever met, and quite self-sufficient in her own life; and 2) she is the first friend that I made where I didn't have to live up to any preconceived notions. We met a week after I moved from Connecticut to Florida where I didn't know anyone. I was away for the first time from my family and the people I had grown up with. No one knew me, so I could be myself. I was the authentic Me when I met Michelle, which is why our friendship has endured for 23 years. (We still laugh that we proved our then boss wrong. He mocked us for planning to meet at the Hard Rock in Orlando in ten years. He said in ten years we wouldn't even remember each other. HA. We may not have made it back to Florida, but we were at each others' weddings!)

The reason this quote resonated with me, is because I am finally at a point in my life where the only person putting demands on my time is me. The husband and the dog get as much of my time as they want, because that is the deal, but other than that, I am the only one standing in my way now. If I want to spend the evening writing, reading or even playing Candy Crush, that is up to me. If I never get that book finished I have no one to blame but myself.

The dream is real now, because I have cleared away the so called clutter in my life so that I can focus on MY dreams, on what I want from MY life. I am sure that sounds selfish, but I spent most of my life being unselfish and that did not get me anywhere. I am not suggesting you ditch your friends and family to go after what you want, but set some healthy boundaries to ensure that you have time for yourself. After a lifetime of being the good friend, the good daughter, the good employee, the good cousin, et cetera, I had a hard time setting boundaries. I had to literally move out of state to truly have my own life.

Now that I have it, it is time to do something with it.

Book Review: Rare Bird by Anna Whiston-Donaldson

When I received an email from BloggingForBooks.com asking for people to review this book, even waiving the 'one book at a time' rule, I jumped at the opportunity. I am fascinated by books about life after death and messages from beyond, so it was right up my alley. I have read many many books about grief, but the honesty with which this was written was unlike anything I had read before.

Anna is brutally honest about what she was feeling in the days, weeks and months after losing her son Jack in a flash flood in early September, 2011. She wanted to convey what a special child he was, without making him out to be a saint. She accomplished that feat with a grace that is hard to find in most people, but remarkable in a woman who had just had a part of her ripped away forever. Many people would have tried to sugar coat their grief for the benefit of others, but she recognized that she needed to tell it as it really was in order to help other people struggling with a tragic loss. She admitted to not wanting to push or intrude into a grieving family's loss before she suffered her own. As she saw the way one neighbor would dutifully refill the cooler with ice every day that held meals prepared by others, she realized that there were times she could have done more.

In reading her story, it makes one think of what could be done to help ease the pain of grief for another, regardless of how close you are to the person. Anna was surprised that the friends who were on the fringe were more present in her grief than friends she had been close to forever. This is a huge lesson for all of us who don't know what to do for grieving friends. If you think you are overstepping, you are not. Just do something. As hard as it was for Anna and her family to be 'the family who lost a child', having all eyes on them all the time, it would have been harder to have people stop. As people went on with their lives she assumed they would forget. Not to give away the ending, but they did not forget Jack.

Families can be torn apart after a loss, since each has their way of coping. This family was no different and I am certain this book will help other families dealing with a loss of this magnitude. There were so many ways things could have gone wrong, but they held it together. Their faith in God was tested often, but still remained intact, if not stronger.

I would recommend this to anyone who has lost someone close to them, or anyone who needs to hear about some of the ways God sends us signs as long as we know where to look. the things that happened to Anna to let her know her son was in a good place were nothing short of amazing.


I received this book in exchange for an honest review from bloggingforbooks.com.

Elaine Meets The Alchemist

Last month I blogged about books falling off the shelves, and wrote that since I work in a bookstore, not every book that falls off the shelf in front of me is some kind of sign, though some are. What I neglected to mention, because I didn't think it was relevant, was that The Alchemist was the book I was picturing on the floor when I wrote that. I had assumed that since it was on every school's summer reading list and we had too many crammed on the shelf, it was only normal that one would fall...every day.

That blog was about the teacher appearing when the student is ready, and that lately most of the books I have been reading have shared a theme: It is never too late to follow your dreams and do what you know in your soul you were meant to do. For me, that dream is to be a writer, and everything I am reading keeps reminding me that I can still do it...I just have to DO it.

Anyway, all summer when someone asked for The Alchemist I thought, "I should read that book", but I never even read the back cover to see what it was about. Something just told me I should read it. Still, I resisted for some reason, until this week.

Oprah's guest on Super Soul Sunday was the author of The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho. It was his first ever interview on American television. I quickly learned that the book was about making choices to achieve your personal legend. In other words, don't give up on the one thing you really want to do. What? I was stunned. Did I want to read The Alchemist? That was no longer a question. Now I HAD to read it.

I am short on funds, and had already bought a book this week (The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp, fyi) so I couldn't justify buying a copy. I can borrow books from work, but they have to be hardcover, with a jacket that stays at the store, and we only had it in paperback, so that wasn't an option. I compared the Amazon price and the Barnes & Noble price for the ebook but still couldn't swing it. I checked my library app but it wasn't available. I had to wait.

I hate to wait when it is time for me to read something.

That was Sunday. On Tuesday I had an unexplained bad day where I could not get out of my funk. I have maybe four of these days a year. Every other day I am the happiest person you could meet. Because of this, I wasn't paying my usual attention to the New Releases. I didn't notice until Wednesday that a hardcover copy of the 25th anniversary edition of The Alchemist was released. The Universe literally shoved this book into my hands. I borrowed it, but will most likely buy it now.

In no time I knew that this book would change my life. The theme is "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it". As I read, if a particular part resonates with me, I am going to share how it affected me in a blog. I hope you will follow along, and perhaps start reading it yourself and you can share how it affects you.


Watch Part Two of Oprah's interview with Paulo Coelho this Super Soul Sunday morning on OWN.

Follow @Oprah @OWNTV @SuperSoulSunday @paulocoelho @MastinKipp @TheDailyLove

Book Review: How To Succeed In Business Without Really Crying

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Crying by Carol Leifer should really be shelved under Career Planning. Just yesterday a customer asked me where our career books were, and before I brought her to Business, we took a detour to Biography so that I could tell her how freaking awesome this book is for the job hunter as well as the ladder climber.

The story of Carol's life as a female comedian who never gave up was fascinating and inspiring, and the tales of her interactions with comedy legends were laugh out loud funny. (Excuse me, Carol, but it looks like you dropped a few names...) I read parts of it aloud incoherently to my husband, laughing so hard that all the words came out as "bleerhaHAHArghxchHAHAefh". Hilarious anecdotes aside, the thread that ran through the whole book was about how the way you treat people throughout your career will ultimately decide your success or failure in any business. That, along with hard work and determination, of course.

I love the fact that she started with the basics of the interview, even specfically reminding the guys to "shower the day of the interview. Not the night before. Not a week before". She then continued through getting the job, handling rejection, keeping the job, et cetera, using stories of things that had either worked or not worked for her, depending on whether or not she had practiced what she was preaching. This was a unique way to give excellent career advice without being a dry, boring business book.

This is perfect for anyone just starting out in the world of employment, those wanting to advance, or anyone who is taking a fresh look at following a dream career path on which they had given up. If you don't take away at least one career-changing tip from this book, you probably won't be hired for that dream job anyway, but at least you would have had a good chuckle in the process!

Book Review: Fearless

I recently joined Blogging For Books and I received the book FEARLESS by Eric Blehm in exchange for my review. For those who don't know, I work for Barnes & Noble, so I had seen Adam Brown looking out at me from the cover of this book for months.

I thought, "just another book about SEAL Team SIX...not really interested..." because since Bin Laden was killed, there was such an oversaturation of SEAL Team SIX stories that I had gotten numb to any new exposure.

Then I read the description of the book and realized it was not the same old, same old.

Yes, this is a book about the Navy SEALs, but it is more a book about the power of faith. It is an inspirational story about a kid with tons of potential who veered off course after high school and was headed toward a drug overdose in a crack house, about as far away from 'Navy SEAL' as you can get on the spectrum. Through his faith combined with sheer determination and will, he escaped the life of drugs and reached the highest level of the armed forces, the elite Navy SEALs.

This could have been written about any SEAL, as they all have to go through the same qualifications to become a SEAL, but Adam was different. This guy was legendary even before his heroic death. The way his fellow SEALs and former commanders and instructors speak of him is so heartwarming, but also filled with laughter and amazement. He was known for giving more than 100% in whatever he did, whether on a mission as a SEAL, or in a pick up football game during a training exercise at Cowboys' Stadium, or collecting donations of shoes for Afghani children who had none. He even went house to house, writing down sizes to ensure that they all had footwear before winter--he never did anything halfway.

I learned a lot about what it takes to be a SEAL by reading this book; their toughness and focus is unparalelled. I am impressed with how they serve our country and proud to have them on our side. If you only have a vague idea of what they are all about you should read this book. The fact that it is balanced out by the inspirational part of the story makes it more entertaining if you are not a military buff.

If you have ever struggled with an addiction, this book will give you hope, without being a story strictly about addiction. If Adam could get over all of the hurdles that he faced, getting clean will seem like a walk in the park in comparison.

It is also a love story, but while that is a constant undercurrent,it is somewhat secondary. Adam's wife Kelley is the epitome of the phrase 'behind every great man is a great woman'. Her unwavering faith in Adam is amazing, and she is such a strong character that you would think she was the heroine in an epic novel. I feel like tracking her down just to give her a hug...

Finally, if you have a limited or non-existent belief in a Higher Power, this book will have you sprinting toward the nearest place of worship. At one point a fellow SEAL asks Adam how he can do what they do and be religious. "One, I'm spiritual, not religious," Adam replied."And two, I can't believe you can do what we do and not be."

There are multiple instances of prayers literally being answered, where there is no possible way Adam could accomplish something without devine intervention. I won't ruin it for you by sharing those incidents out of context here, but trust me, you won't have a doubt after letting FEARLESS into your life.

Even though I knew Adam didn't make it, I still cried like I had lost my best friend through the last 60 pages. Just when I thought that my tears would stop, something else would make the waterworks start again, so if you can't handle that, this may not be for you. If, like me, you like that cathartic release when you are emotionally drowning in a book, you will love this...no matter how puffy your eyes are the next day!

ps. Due to an order processing error at Blogging For Books, I have an extra copy of FEARLESS to give away. I have never given anything away on my blog before, so I don't have any good ideas about how to give it away. If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments section...:)

BloggingForBooks.com Review of A Short Walk to the Edge of Life

Last week my boss told me about a great blogging opportunity for me, called BloggingForBooks.com. He knew I had just started a new blog, plus he could see how quickly I read books, based on how many I have read since I started working for him.

Anyway, he asked me the next day if I'd had a chance to check out the site yet. I had not, and could not remember the name of the site, so he wrote it down. This may seem obvious, but if your new boss suggests something to you that he thinks you'd benefit from, especially if he's also a pastor, you would look like a jerk if you didn't at least give it a try. Also, I have found that 'no accountability to writing' equals 'I don't write'. (Even to write this review I wavered between opening a Word document or Candy Crush Saga, and had to make a conscious choice to blog!) So I am thankful to Mark for giving me a reason to write; besides, it is a pretty awesome deal-you pick a book, they send it to you and you write a review!

There were many varieties of book to choose from, and I chose "A Short Walk to the Edge of Life: How My Simple Adventure Became a Dance With Death-and Taught Me What Really Matters" by Scott Hubbartt. My only negative thing to report is that I had a horrible time remembering the name of the book! And I am just talking about the main part of the title, before the colon. I wanted to tell Mark about it when I got to work the next day, but realized on the drive in that if someone held a gun to my head and asked me the name of the book, I would be dead. Weirdly, while I was telling him what I could remember about the title, he realized that that was the same book he was waiting for!

After I had registered and selected my first book, I was given the option of print or ebook. I figured I was geared up to read it, and my Nook is my computer, so I chose the ebook. Long story short (too late!), I thought I had done something wrong while trying to download it, so I was exchanging emails with someone at Blogging For Books about getting the print version instead. I tried one last ditch effort by downloading a different e-reader app, and woohoo--it was there! I emailed back saying I had figured it out, and he told me that he fixed it so that my account showed it was time for me to select a book. I could either pick that book or a different book, So I decided to pick my next book, and while waiting I would read this one. The only thing is that I can't post my review there, because it doesn't show up as one of my books, but I still feel the need to review, because it was excellent!

I love true accounts of people LITERALLY being saved by prayer and/or their faith. One of my top five books is Left To Tell, written by a woman who survived the Rwandan genocide through multiple evidences of divine intervention. This story was in that same vein. I found myself highlighting every part of the book where Scott prayed for help from God, where and how those prayers were answered, and where he realized and accepted that God was in charge, and His will be done. I highlighted so much that instead of going back and re-reading those parts before writing this review, I will just say, 'Read it.' If you want some proof that He exists, this book will get you started in the right direction.

The fact that Scott is a chaplin yet he also struggled with faith issues was somewhat responsible for my trust that his story is true. He asked for help, he asked for guidance, but until he began listening for answers, nothing was working for him. Now the quiet of his desolation was forcing him to listen. Even on what could very well have been his last day on earth, he followed the signs he received and backtracked two miles down a mountain that had taken almost every ounce of his strength to climb, knowing that it may be for nothing and he would have to find the strength to climb up that same mountain once again. He literally trusted God with his very survival, and everything that came next happened because of making those choices.

This book also appealed to my love of survival shows like Survivorman, Dual Survivor, Man vs Wild, etc. I learned from these shows, and now I was vicariously experiencing an extreme worst case scenario through Scott's story. I knew he was way past the point that he should have survived without water. It is a true miracle that he made it.

FTC disclaimer: I received this book from Blogging For Books for this review.

Mail From Dad

**In honor of Father's Day, I am reposting what I posted last year on this date. Update: I got the job!**


It’s Father’s Day, so I wanted to share something that happened to me last week.

I have watched enough medium shows and read enough books about the afterlife to recognize a sign when I see one. How many times has Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium, told someone that their loved one was with them when they were wearing something of theirs, or doing something in honor of them? It happens all the time. Or someone will find pennies from heaven that they know came from someone they lost? Or every time they see a butterfly, they feel it is their departed loved one sending them a spiritual hug? These themes come up over and over again, enough for someone like me to have zero skepticism.

My dad used to sit outside a lot, and he always called cardinals “red birds”, so when one flies by at a time when I need to feel some reassurance that everything is going to be okay, I take it as a sign from my dad.

I have a tie tack that was my dad’s. It is an elephant standing on a ball, which is significant because when my dad was a kid, he survived the horrific circus fire in Hartford, CT. His mom had told him not to go, but he went anyway. (This story was told to us often as kids to reinforce how important it was to obey our parents if they told us we couldn’t do something) Lucky for him, they were up in the top row of seats and his friend sliced the tent with his pocket knife so they and others could escape tragedy. So this tie tack is my lucky charm. I wear it when I need strength to be at my best.

I wore it to a job interview, as I would normally do, and while I was waiting for the interviewer, I touched the elephant and whispered to my dad to help me out. The interview went amazingly well, but that’s not what this story is about. It’s about what happened later that day when I checked the mail.

{Now, for those of you who don’t know much about me, my husband and I moved to Rhode Island a year and a half ago after living with my mom in Connecticut for five years. We had moved in while my father was still alive to help my mom out as he was suffering from Alzheimer’s.. He passed away six months later.}

Anyway, as I was going through the stack of mail so that I could toss the junk, there was a mailer from a Rhode Island furniture store that we had never heard about in Connecticut. Naturally, my husband and I had changed our address with the post office over a year ago, and my last name hasn’t been McCue for 13 years. That’s what made this so cool. The Cardi’s Furniture mailer was sent to my Rhode Island address to “Donald McCue or current resident”.. This address has nothing to do with my father, and our mail forwarding had stopped months ago. There is no conceivable way that this should have happened, so I know it was a message from my dad that everything was going to be okay.

On Friday, driving home from my third interview for the same job, a cardinal flew across the highway right in front of our car Seems like a good sign..

Thanks for the mail dad, and Happy Father’s Day from “The Poor Kid”